Another heavy fall of snow overnight. Heading out to dig a way out of the driveway. Lots of conversations these days with people who are trapped and blocked in their lives, who do not see a way out. I noticed how frequently they turn to blame themselves and feel they should have done more to dig themselves out of the difficulty they are in, increasing the sense of guilt and  worthlessness. Sometimes we have to allow what is happening, when  pushing to change ourselves only makes the sadness worse. We cannot replace some difficulties or sadness with positive thoughts. Strange, but getting out sometimes requires that we accept that  we are stuck. What starts to move the snow is showing kindness towards ourself. Most blocks come from fear; holding our fear as a mother holds a frightened child shifts our relationship towards it and can allow it to slowly melt.

What shuts down the heart more than anything is not letting ourselves have our own experience, but instead judging it, criticizing it, or trying to make it different from what it is. We often imagine there is something wrong with us if we feel angry, needy and dependent, lonely, confused, sad, or scared. We place conditions on ourselves and our experience: “If I feel like this, there must be something wrong with me… I can only accept myself if my experience conforms to my standard of how I should be.”

Meditation cultivates unconditional friendliness through teaching you how to just be—without doing anything, without holding onto anything, and without trying to think good thoughts, get rid of bad thoughts, or achieve a pure state of mind. This is a radical practice. There is nothing else like it. Normally we do everything we can to avoid just being. When left alone with ourselves, without a project to occupy us, we become nervous. We start judging ourselves or thinking about what we should be doing or feeling. We start putting conditions on ourselves, trying to arrange our experience so that it measures up to our inner standards. Since this inner struggle is so painful, we are always looking for something to distract us from being with ourselves.

In meditation practice, you work directly with your confused mind-states, without waging crusades against any aspect of your experience. You let all your tendencies arise, without trying to screen anything out, manipulate experience in any way, or measure up to any ideal standard. Allowing yourself the space to be as you are—letting whatever arises arise, without fixation on it, and coming back to simple presence—this is perhaps the most loving and compassionate way you can treat yourself. It helps you make friends with the whole range of your experience.

John Welwood