Month: December 2010

Do not be ashamed

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A reminder to drop the “comparing mind” that leads us to evaluate our life in relation to others’ successes, lives or even opinions.  It is good to develop a security in our sense of self that does not overly concern itself with how others regard us, but is founded in our own goodness. When we have this there is no need to hide or cover ourselves, to avoid others seeing us.

Many of us have hearts that are overlaid with anxieties, fears, and other defensive behaviours which arose in our attempts to deal with disappontment. One of these is a strong protected sense of personal space,  constructed to ensure that others do not get too close. This can be rooted in shame, which is often related to how we sense our own competence. It is a way in which we learnt to deal with the disappointment of realizing that our needs were not noticed by our parents, leading to us growing up feeling inferior and unlovable.  Thus we arrive with a mind that judges, compares and endlessly works and worries to make life be a certain way, to ensure our core self stays hidden. Meditation practice allows us to  slowly let go of some of our defensiveness. It nourishes a trust that the strength and compassion  we need are already within us, just as we are. It allows us to stop hiding from ourselves, and lets us stand confident before others.

When you are content to be simply yourself

and don’t compare or compete,

everybody will respect you.

Lao Tzu

Why we need to be patient

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Sometimes we have to be patient. We cannot see the whole picture or understand why things are happening. Moments may seem dark and we can feel like identifying with what is going on in our lives now and getting fixed there. We can be tempted to hate parts of ourselves or our life,  turn in on ourselves and close down. Instead, let’s try and keep our roots deep in the goodness underneath, and not in what passes through the mind.  We do not need to fill the space. Some kinds of unknowing are right. We try to trust even if we cannot see.  What is coming to pass will gradually reveal itself.

I prefer winter ……when you feel the bone structure of the landscape- the loneliness of it, the dead feeling of winter.

Something waits beneath it, the whole story doesn’t show.

Andrew Wyatt,  American Painter

The feast of Saint Nicholas

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Traditionally, it was on this night that children would place their shoes at the end of the bed or at the door in the hope of getting some small gifts from Saint Nicholas. The practice was founded upon the attributed generosity of the Saint towards those who were poor, as in the legend where he threw bags of gold into the house of a widower to ensure that his daughters would not be sold into slavery.

This practice lies at the root of our modern Christmas celebrations. They are based on a tradition of giving, of generosity. In our world today the advertising at Christmas time can lead to a focus on receiving. It is common to hear the question “What are you getting for Christmas”. Such an emphasis can lead us to compare what we have with others, and strengthen a normal sense that we are lacking in some things or in some way defective. The “comparing mind” is deeply rooted in our psyche, probably evolving as a necessary survival strategy. However, today, when not linked to physical survival,  it has free range to stir up all kinds of self-judgments in a society which links wellbeing to who was the latest gadget, the nicest clothes or the fittest body. Getting caught up in the comparing game is one of the major ways that we create our own suffering. We can do it in work, in how we look and feel, when we consider how others celebrate festive occasions, with the holidays they are taking or the way they celebrate as a family. We can find ourselves implicitly thinking, “If only I had that, then I would be happy.” Constantly measuring ourselves against others leads to a bitter taste about our life, and does not allow us develop the  inner peace which comes from knowing that we are good enough. Its relentless search for being better or having more –  and linking our security, love, and self-esteem to this –  ends in insecurity, anxiety and even self-hatred. Comparing is one way in which we solidify ourselves, fixing ourselves to how we are at this moment in comparison to someone else.

We have an opportunity this season to work with this tendency. In meditation we observe our inner processes, allowing us to notice and liberate the mind from this constant comparing. We start by not comparing one breath with another; we simply observe each one as unique. We go on to notice this comparing voice – appearing as thoughts or impressions of what others would say – and how it leads us to be focus on ourselves in a critical manner. We notice the mind and see it inclining towards wanting. Over the next weeks, if we  work at replacing the emphasis on what I have or would like to get with an emphasis on giving to others, then our eyes turn away from ourselves  and are placed then on others. This practice replaces a critical mind – which is always finding fault with ourselves and others – with a mind that relaxes in celebrating the good and spreading joy. We celebrate our life and their life, allowing our protective shells to dissolve, not measuring, just living.

Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is a “standing in,” not a “falling for.” In the most general way, the active character of love can be described by stating that love is primarily giving, not receiving.

Erich Fromm

With empty hands

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A similar theme to the Mary Oliver poem posted this week. Sometimes we feel lost and do not know where we are going. We feel powerless, having nothing to offer, with empty hands. We have to leave behind all we have relied on up to now. We utter a heartfelt wish that things could become clearer. It is in the stillness  that wisdom speaks to the heart and reveals what we have been looking for.

In this high place
it is as simple as this:
leave everything you know behind.

Step toward the cold surface,
say the old prayer of rough love
and open both arms.

Those who come with empty hands
will stare into the lake astonished.
There, in the cold light
reflecting pure snow,

is the true shape of your own face.

David Whyte

Holding some thoughts lightly

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It’s pointless to try to find peace through nullifying or erasing the sense world.

Peace only comes through not giving that world more substantiality or more reality than it actually possesses.

Ajahn Amaro

Remember, when your heart is frozen

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Pema Chodron also reflects here on snow and ice. She  reminds us to touch in with the springs of warmth which still exist inside us, no matter how cold a place we find ourselves in. When we are in an emotional or psychological midwinter, it is hard to believe that warmth and growth will return. We are tempted to disconnect or detach, to bury ourselves even deeper.  However, we are encouraged here to keep the heart open, by allowing our deepest self stay in connection with the deepest self of another person or thing. In this way we allow ourselves receive warmth from the presence or thought of another person when it is hard to generate warmth in oneself.

Our habits and patterns can feel just as frozen as ice. But when spring comes, the ice melts. The quality of water has never really disappeared, even in the deepest depths of winter. It just changed form. The ice melts, and the essential fluid, living quality of water is there. Our essential good heart and open mind is like that. It is here even if we’re experiencing it as so solid we could land an airplane on it.

When I’m emotionally in midwinter and nothing I do seems to melt my frozen heart and mind, it helps me to remember that no matter how hard the ice, the water hasn’t really gone anywhere. It’s always right here.

So I work on melting that hardness by generating more warmth, more open heart. A good way for any of us to do this is to think of a person toward whom we feel appreciation or love or gratitude. In other words, we connect with the warmth that we already have. If we can’t think of a person, we can think of a pet, or even a plant. Sometimes we have to search a bit. But as Trungpa Rinpoche used to say, “Everybody loves something. Even if it’s just tortillas.” The point is to touch in to the good heart that we already have and nurture it.

Pema Chodron, Shambala Sun, 1998