Often individuals who have experienced insecure attachments in childhood have high shame and self-criticism as companions in adulthood. The dominant role of their overdeveloped threat and protection system means that they have an underdeveloped capacity to use the soothing and safety system, whose function is to allow them feel safe and cared for.
In order to communicate very openly with the world, you need to develop fundamental trust. This kind of trust is not trusting “in” something, but simply trusting. It is very much like your breath. You do not consciously hold on to your breath, or trust in your breath, yet breathing is your very nature. In the same way, to be trusting is your very nature. To be trusting means you are fundamentally free from doubt about your goodness and about the goodness of others.
Dr. Jeremy Hayward, First Thought
A lot of us find it hard to extend real kindness towards ourselves. Our default position is that we are much more critical of ourselves – and how our life history has developed – than we are of others.
And if we forgive life for not being what we told it to be, or expected, or wished, or longed for it to be,
we forgive ourselves for not being what we might have been also.
And then we can be what we are, which is boundless
John Tarrant, The Zenosaurus Course in Koans
On the day after being nominated among the 50 best blogs “on the planet”, these thoughts on striving and becoming which I had written for today seem even more apt…
One reason we practice mindfulness meditation is to strengthen our capacity to “be with” what is here, rather than always nurturing the deep-seated dynamic of “becoming”. And “being with” does not just mean that simplistic idea of mindfulness – being with this beautiful flower or cupcake – but also being with the life or personality we have, rather than always wanting to be better or be like others – “If only I was this….. if only he or she wasn’t like that – then I’d feel satisfied”. Ideals of perfect relationships, perfect holidays and even perfect wellness make it easy to feel that one isn’t good enough. These can be false friends, pushing us to do more and achieve more, rather than finding rest in who and where we are:
Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: “If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” Perfectionism is defeating and self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception – we want to be perceived as perfect. Again, this is unattainable – there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying.
Perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough so rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right.
Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
Sometimes Monday mornings can be a challenge, and what is not going right comes to mind more easily, as we start back into work after a relaxed and sunny Sunday. So we remind ourselves that one does not have to be completely satisfied with everything before one can be content. Similarly, everything does not have to be just as you would like it in your life for you to be grateful.
Meditation is a process of lightening up, of trusting the basic goodness of what we have and who we are, and of realizing that any wisdom that exists, exists in what we already have.
Pema Chodron, The Wisdom of No Escape
The wilderness constantly reminds me that wholeness is not about perfection….
I have been astonished to see how nature uses devastation to stimulate new growth, slowly but persistently healing her own wounds. Wholeness does not mean perfection: it means embracing brokenness as an integral part of life. Knowing this gives me hope that human wholeness – mine, yours, ours – need not be a utopian dream, if we can use devastation as a seedbed for new life.
Parker Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness
Learn the alchemy which true human beings know:
The moment you accept the troubles you have been given
the door will open.
Sometimes peoples words and actions can agitate and upset us.
We wish to react or maybe get fearful and withdraw.
However, sometimes doing nothing, not reacting or rushing to a definitive judgment, can be the wisest course.
Hold a space. Emptiness and form. Non-doing and doing.
Thirty spokes meet in the hub.
But its where the wheel isn’t
is where it’s useful.
Hollowed out, the clay makes a pot.
Where the clay is not
is where it’s useful.
Cut doors and windows to make a room.
Where the room is not,
there is room for you.
So something is shaped into what is;
but its usefulness comes from what is not.
Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching