We should find perfect existence through imperfect existence. Suzuki

Was out walking this afternoon in the lovely mild sunshine. Saw the beginnings of growth after this strange short winter, and a farmer working at ploughing her field. Got me reflecting on the conditions that are needed for us to feel safe and grow. There is no such thing as a typical winter; just the winter we have had. We cannot oblige the seasons to start and end exactly when we want. And as Winnicott said, when we were young,  the conditions did not have to be perfect, just “good enough”. There just had to be enough security to allow us to be, before rushing us into doing. Parents just have to do their best  and then the basic good conditions that allow love to grow take over. We just have to trust that this is the case.

If we do not trust,  then we  doubt our fundamental goodness and begin to push too hard or not do enough.  The seeds may get laid down in infancy if a parent does not have an  interior space or is confused in his or her signals. This can leave the young psyches having to do too much, too early, leading to us being “caught up in a false self and a compulsive cycle of “doing” to conceal the absence of “being”. In the adult ironically this  lack of trust in being can manifest as the tendency to try to do more, to be perfect, to always give more.  I see that I can get caught in this believed thought, seeking my security there. Then if something goes wrong I feel that is due to the fact that I did not do enough. A lot of energy goes into this self-judgment because it is dealing with material that is laid down very early in life.

The best way to work with this is to sit in silence, to nourish “fundamental trust”.   There we return to just being and find contentment with that, no matter what the inner critical voice says. We do this in meditation. But we also  have to do it in our relationships with others. One does not have to be perfect in relationships, no matter how others may expect us to be.  There too, being is more important than doing : one just has to be present.  We should not wait for the moment to be “perfect” to reach out and do something for others. This moment is good enough. What is needed is trust in the present moment, in reality, which becomes the most important “holding environment” for us. Trust means that we accept  that things just happen in certain ways and are not due to personal failings on our side.  And then we work with the moment as it is. It can be imperfect, but it is where we grow, even if we would prefer it to be otherwise.

In order to communicate very openly with the world, you need to develop fundamental trust. This kind of trust is not trusting“in”something, but simply trusting. It is very much like your breath. You do not consciously hold on to your breath, or trust in your breath, yet breathing is your very nature. In the same way, to be trusting is your very nature. To be trusting means you are fundamentally free from doubt about your goodness and about the goodness of others.

Dr. Jeremy Hayward