Unless you were raised by wolves, you probably heard at least a few of the following as you were growing up: “Don’t do that…. Why don’t you ever listen?… Wipe that look off your face…. You shouldn’t feel that way…. You should have known better…. You should be ashamed of yourself…. I can’t believe you did that…. It serves you right…. What were you thinking of?… The nurses must have dropped you on your head…. I had great hopes for you…. Don’t talk back to me…. Do as you are told…. Don’t you ever think about anyone else?” Somewhere along the line we conclude there is something wrong with us. What else could we conclude? If there were nothing wrong with us, people would not say those things, would they?

Being intelligent creatures, we soon take over the job of punishing ourselves, punishment being the way to improve so that we can be who and how we should be. We learn the self-improvement process as quickly as possible so we can fix ourselves before anyone else notices we need fixing. As a result, most people grow up with an unshakable belief that the primary reason they are “good” is that they punish themselves when they are “bad.” The very thought of not punishing ourselves when we make mistakes, say and do stupid things, feel inappropriate feelings, or act “bad,” makes us nervous: If I don’t punish myself when I do something wrong, what will keep me from doing it again? I might do even worse things! To this I would say that one process does not lead to another. Punishment does not make us good, punishment makes us punishing

Cheri Huber, There is nothing wrong with us