Who are the happiest, richest people you know?… These are the people who are living joyful, enthusiastic lives, regardless of their possessions or lack of possessions. These people possess something more precious than material goods. They possess a spark of God that radiates in all they do.
Shoni Labowitz, Miraculous Living
We have a lot of control over our responses to things, even things that provoke spontaneous reactions inside us, such as noise, traffic problems, heat or irritating work environments. We can learn from the response of Ajahn Chah, the Thai meditation master, who was meditating in his hut when a noisy celebration erupted outside. This can apply to external noise, but also can be applied to internal noise and chatter:
If my mind does not go out to disturb the noise,
the noise won’t disturb me.
Seek not the good from outside:
seek it from within yourselves,
or you will never find it.
Epicetus
As the Dalai Lama reminds us, everyone wants to be happy. The problem is seeking it in ways that may not lead to full contentment. Our mindfulness practice is based on the understanding that deep contentment is first of all related to the process of getting to know the mind, and only secondly due to external factors, such as our job, or wealth or even our relationships. My work with people brings me into contact with a lot of different experiences of relationships. Today’s society places a great emphasis on happiness coming from finding the right relationship, placing a huge burden on an aspect of life which was never designed to carry it. It becomes one of the main carriers of our hopes for contentment, this search to find someone who will through whom I will be complemented and completed.
This fusion model does not seem to be working and is not the only understanding available. The Ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle stated that there were three types of friendship, only one of which brings about a real contentment and happiness. Today’s emphasis leans toward the first two, which he says ultimately do not lead to contentment, and in many cases can actually increase our lack of fulfilllment.
The first type is a friendship of pleasure, mainly as sexual partners, which feels good in the moment but which is not fulfilling in the long run. Aristotle said this is normally seen in younger people, “as passions and pleasures are great influences in their lives”. The second type is a friendship of utility, where people are in a friendship but thinking of themselves. Thus, they use the other for status, or to feel good about themselves, or for prestige, or for beauty or money, or because they add to their own sense of self by being with the other. He calls this friendship shallow and “easily broken”.
In contrast to these two, Aristotle described a third type, which he called a friendship of shared virtue. In this case you discover a friend who gets you in your deepest self, your soul, and inspires you to grow into your highest potential. He called these people soul mates or “soul-nurturing mates”, as the friendship touches our deepest self. It gives us the energy and courage to grow into better people. Being with this type of friend allows us to believe in our dreams and feel bigger than ourselves, more confident in our daily lives. He believed this was directly related to our deep happiness. This type of friendship is long-lasting but hard to find, because it takes a lot of work and a resilience to develop.
We can notice our mind changing hundreds of times in the day, from liking to disliking, being content to being unhappy, calm to agitated. We can start the day being nervous about an upcoming meeting. Then find ourselves delighted as the meeting goes well, leaving us feeling very positive about ourselves and the future. Then afterwards we can get into a misunderstanding with a friend or colleague after which we find ourselves feeling very negative about ourselves and about the future. Up and down, down and up.
The mind can move quickly from being spacious to being narrow when it encounters something which is negative. However, what we label as “negative” often just means that we think that reality will not fit into the way that we want, or we can’t have something we think we need. We find that the mind contracts and feels tight, and then normally starts immediately to work on a story to defend that tightness, exaggerating negative aspects of people or situations, or other objects of our bad feelings. If we are focused on other people, it normally starts with statements about other people – “They are in the wrong, they cannot listen” and then moves on to statements about the future – “There is no point trying, this will never work out”
If we can become aware of this dynamic, the heart can move from its defensive pattern to pausing, then to being open and appreciative. The normal sequence for these changing mind states goes something like this: “This is the way I want things”….. “I like it”…. “If I cannot have it like this, I am sad, I am angry”….and then through practice….”this moment is just like this”. This pattern is the same whether the matter is great or small, although the intensity can vary hugely. It can sometimes flare out strongly as jealousy or anger if we allow ourselves be convinced that we are missing out on something that we really want.
In the end, we quieten down in two steps. The first is that the mind stops struggling with reality and says, “I wanted something different, but this is what I have.” The second is when we can rejoice in the new situation and be genuinely happy that it has turned out like this, for ourselves or for other people. One of the greatest antidotes for the feeling of hurt is to cultivate positive feelings or blessings towards others. This works against the mind’s tendency to think that someone else’s joy is actually taking away from our joy. Instead, we find that when the mind is relaxed, it does not feel needy, and does not need to defend itself.
We have two kinds of fears. One is a fear that whatever is going on is going to go on forever. It’s just not true – nothing goes on forever. The other is the fear that, even if it doesn’t go on forever, the pain of whatever is happening will be so terrible we won’t be able to stand it. There is a gut level of truth about this fear. It would be ridiculous to pretend that in our lives, in these physical bodies, which can hurt very much, and in relationships that can hurt very much, there aren’t some very, very painful times. Even so, I think we underestimate ourselves. Terrible as times may be, I believe we can stand them.
Because we become frightened as soon as a difficult mind state blows into the mind, we start to fight with it. We try to change it, or we try to get rid of it. The frenzy of the struggle makes the mind state even more unpleasant.
The familiar image is a children’s cartoon character, like Daffy Duck, walking along freely and suddenly stepping into toffee. In a hasty, awkward attempt to extricate himself, he might fall forward and backward and eventually be totally stuck in the toffee. The best solution would be the nonalarmed recognition, ‘This is toffee. I didn’t see it as I stepped into it, but I felt it after I got stuck. It’s just toffee. The whole world is not made out of toffee. What would be a wise thing for me to do now?’
Sylvia Boorstein, It’s Easier Than You Think
Do not throw anyone out of your heart.
Neem Karoli Baba
I received a lovely mail last night from a friend and it closed with the wish that I would have a “joyful heart”. And I reflected that the last few days, with the hint of Spring in the air, and buds appearing on the trees, notwithstanding a touch of flu, my heart has been very joyful.
The whole purpose of our meditation practice is to experience joy, a joy that can exist even when we are having difficulties. Joy comes from plunging fully into one’s own life’s mystery and the mystery of life all around and seeing what an amazing adventure this is. Joy is connected to a heart that stays open, and welcomes, in friendliness, each moment, even those which were not expected. It arises when we allow ourselves to rest, to sit, to move away from the inner restlessness that makes us unhappy.
Sometimes we can look for joy in the wrong places, by being closed to events or people. What I am working at a lot these days is staying open, especially when my initial reaction is to close in on myself. In an interview Thich Nhat Hahn gave recently to Oprah Winfrey, he talked about the simple act of seeing flowers, and how seeing them brings joy, firstly by being grateful that his eyes are still well enough to see the beauty all around. He then moved on to a simple drinking of a cup of tea and how by discovering joy in the simple moments of each day, we can see it then in the bigger challenges, when the mind becomes confused and frightens itself.
A deeper wisdom begins to emerge. When some difficult challenge arises with work or with a person, we say to ourselves that it will not last forever. So we stay connected to our heart and remind ourselves not to freeze that into the whole picture, not to fall into our small selves. Rather, we try and see that it is supportable, and allow it to pass so that we am open to the next moment, the next joy. Every moment is precious. We are not going to get to do this day or this week over again.
Realizing this, I know everything that I do can make a difference and so I want everything that I do to be grounded in kindness. Fear sometimes makes us defensive. It has the potential to trap us from time to time. Kindness and friendship towards ourselves – and our fears – allows us to spot these traps and turn back outwards.
So I was grateful to my friend for the mail and for the wishes. It reminded me of metta practice, of wishing kindness to those who are dear and those with whom we may be having dificulty with at this moment:
May you feel happy and safe
May you feel protected
May you be healthy and strong
May your life develop with ease
Mindfulbalance 