At some level we will always be afraid. And the world we live in is very competitive one, which means that we do not always feel secure enough to reveal our true selves. So there is a lot of loneliness in the world, despite modern advances in communication and networking. A great value is placed on achievement and appearance, and strength and competency are appreciated. We can get the same message in a different way in our families as we are growing up. Maybe a parent does not have the emotional space at that time in their life to provide a consistent response to our moments of neediness. So we can come to believe that our acceptance by others is based on us being competent or strong in some way, or by us doing something for them. Then as we grow we can get many experiences that confirm and reinforce this; we are disappointed and we pull back. We armour the heart.
And yet, deep within us, we long for someplace where we can feel completely accepted. We want to be in front of someone, not to have to do something to be welcomed. We want to let out the parts that we have hidden away. We look for someone who is attuned to us and who can see us in our brokenness without turning away. We especially wish for that person to be able to contain us when we come up against moments which we take as more proof that there is something wrong with us. And we approach situations or relationships with the deep-down hope that this time our needs will be held and met, rather than finding the same disappointment as before. At moments like that the other person becomes the place where our history and our unconscious needs are played out. We look for someone who will not disappoint us now.
What I am slowly learning in mindfulness practice, is that the way to work with my fears is not to try to fix them but to open a space around them first and allow them to be. As Pema Chodron says: This is the primary method for working with painful situations….. We can stop struggling with what occurs and see its true face without calling it the enemy. It helps to remember that our practice is not about accomplishing anything—not about winning or losing—but about ceasing to struggle and relaxing as it is. That is what we are doing when we sit down to meditate. That attitude spreads into the rest of our lives. It’s like inviting what scares us to introduce itself and hang around for a while.
And what I have noticed is that people often find hardest at the start of mindfulness practice the idea of a non-judgmental attitude towards themselves, to stop beating themselves up when they find it hard to meditate. And frequently people say to me that the most difficult element in the loving-kindness practice is extending kindness towards themselves.
And it seems to me that is what is needed in relationships also. What we are seeking is someone who can accept us, hold us in our weakness and fears, allow us to be as we are. Most people, myself included, have tried the alternate strategy, returning again and again to the wounds and fears deep inside them, trying to “fix” them. But what I find is that some wounds are slow to change and we have to accept that we will always have some trace of our deepest fears, of old patterns that can be triggered in new guises. We will always be wounded in some way. What we seek in relationships is not someone who appreciates us in our strengths and achievements , but someone who can hold the fears which we feel, without panicking or taking it personally. It is not necessary to heal the wounds, but simply to be able to look at them without turning away.
