Tag: friendship

Celebrating life and birthdays

Karl Duffy2 Comments

Celebrated a birthday today, and the passing of another year. When I lived in Rome I quickly lost any shyness around these occasions as they were considered moments of joy to be shared with all and an excuse for a cake and a celebration! So that is how I marked it, with gratitude for life and all the moments that it contains. And receiving messages and kindnesses from people, some of whom I was amazed even knew the day that it was,  also reminded me of the goodness of people and the joy there is in receiving.

I have learnt a lot this past year. In my work, and in my own life,  I have seen colleagues move far away,  I have been with people struggling with illness and death, walked with individuals as they tried to reconcile the demands of personal growth with their commitments and I have personally realized a lot about the nature of true friendship and support. At times, these experiences have made me really wonder whether there is any point in continuing to give, in remaining open; the temptation has been to shut down, to insulate the heart. I have asked whether it is worth the risk to continue to reach out to others. And yet, all these ups and downs have made me recognize more and more that life  is an extended practice of becoming the best I can be.  I see that it is a bit like meditation practice – I do not have to be perfect- all I have to do is just turn up. I just need to be there even if I think I do not have the right words and be close to what others and what life offers.

Even as an adult, with the years passing, I have had many moments when I felt lost. Life is such a long journey, and I have seen often this past year that we all have difficulty knowing who we really are or where we really need to go, or even where we come from. There is no GPS for this life,  no pre-determined  maps, no magical tarot cards which give us the final, clear answers to its mysteries.  We can only do our best. Sometimes, and for some people, that is not enough. But what we are working on is not perfection, but a slow and steady path which leads us to a greater acceptance of where our life is. It is about increasingly befriending who we are, moment by moment, year by year.

What does it take to use the life we already have in order to make us wiser rather than more stuck? What is the source of wisdom at a personal, individual level? The answer to these questions seems to have to do with bringing everything that we encounter to the path. Everything naturally had a ground, path, and fruition. This is like saying that everything has a beginning, middle, and end. But it is also said that the path itself is both the ground and the fruition. The path is the goal.

This path has one very distinct characteristic: it is not prefabricated. It doesn’t already exist. The path that we’re talking about is the moment-by-moment evolution of our experience, the moment-by-moment evolution of the world of phenomena, the moment-by-moment evolution of our thoughts and emotions. The path is uncharted. It comes into existence moment-by-moment and at the same time drops away behind us.

When we realize that the path is the goal, there’s a sense of workability. Everything that occurs in our confused mind we can regard as the path. Everything is workable.

Pema Chodron

Do not look for answers

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Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.

Rilke

Realities which make life beautiful

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I was talking earlier today with someone about time spent I spent in the Ecumenical community in Taize in France many years ago, when the founder, Br. Roger,  was still alive. His extraordinary simplicity and humanity was very striking, managing to combine a deep inner life with an understanding of what makes for full human growth. He witnessed a time of hatred and war in his youth and went on to create a community that healed divisions. Many of his words, like these ones, reduce life down to its essence, away from the fears which make us lose faith in each other.

Are there realities which make life beautiful and of which it can be said that they bring a kind of fulfillment, an inner joy? Yes, there are. And one of these realities bears the name of trust. Do we realize that what is best in each of us is built up through a simple trusting? This is something even a child can do.

Br Roger.

A rule of life

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Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:

always try to be a little kinder than is necessary.

J.M. Barrie

Support in times of difficulty

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This week celebrates the feast of Saint Anthony, the founder of monastic practice in the Western Church. He went out into the desert at a young age to remove himself from some of the normal distractions in order to pay attention to what is really necessary. Most wisdom traditions have some reference to desert places, or retreats,  as a time for deepening or as a symbol for certain periods in our lives. We can have periods when we enter our own deserts and are forced to re-evaluate what is important and see what is really needed.

Deserts can be lonely and bleak places, however. So one of my favourite desert stories is that of Elijah who, in a period of danger, ran away into the barren desert. Elijah was a strong, forceful character, but after a setback in his ministry, he lost heart and became frightened. He  had no more motivation and lay down in the shade of a tree, wishing he would die. However what he found was that an  angel touched him gently and gave him bread baked on coals and water, telling him to eat in order to continue on his journey. He ate but had only the energy to sleep again. Again the angel gently touched him and encouraged him on his journey. Eventually Elijah rose and walked for forty days and nights to the Mountain of God.

As I have said before, these stories can be read on a number of levels.  Elijah is like a lot of us when events or people turn against us. It can lead us to doubt ourselves and the direction we have taken. Sometimes we feel we cannot go on anymore.  We may feel totally alone in the world. It is at that point, that frequently an “angel” comes to comfort and support us, someone whose encouragement or understanding simply gives us the strength to go on. An angel is a companion on our journey, sometimes a person, sometimes  other circumstances.  This angel is gentle and wakes Elijah up slowly. In our lives we notice that often others do not give up on us as easily as we give up on ourselves.  They are patient with us. I have found that they come into our lives at moments of difficulty, when we need consolation and comfort, restoring our trust, bringing us back to ourselves. At our deepest level having someone to share our hopes and fears with is what refreshes us most.

This presence becomes the nourishment we need at that time. In the story the angel brings bread baked on coals, symbolizing the ashes of the past experience. The angel opens our eyes and shows us what is right beside us to eat, which we had not seen up to that point. We have strengths within us that we are unaware of. Even in the desert of our difficulties there is bread. With the support from others, encouraged, we move on for forty days –  forty being the biblical number for transformation – leaving behind the past, moving on to a deeper sense of self.

Picture: Elijah in the Desert, Michael O’Brien.

How we speak to ourselves

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I tell mindfulness practitioners to listen to the tone their inner voice uses to comment on their experience. I ask them to consider whether, if they had a friend who spoke that way, they would keep that friend.

The moment in which people discover they are not holding themselves in compassion, not speaking kindly, is often startling and always sad. That awareness is sometimes enough to cause the critic’s voice to soften, and the soother’s voice to be heard.

Sylvia Boorstein, I’m Not ok, you’re not ok  – and thats ok