I was driving home from lecturing today and saw a hawk, still in the sky, hovering over the field, its eyes fixed on prey somewhere far below. I do not know why but this sight always makes me catch my breath; I always feel that I am before a thing of beauty. And it brought home to me again how animals simply are true to their nature, and follow their essence, without worrying too much about the meaning of it. They are, in some ways, “simple” – in the sense that the medieval writers used to talk about God – in the unity of their being and their actions. They are not divided within.
We, on the other hand, are frequently only too aware of the divisions within ourselves , of ongoing tensions, of a separation from our deepest self. We may spend our lives seeking a greater unity and a simple, undivided self, but on a day-to-day level are most conscious of how much we observe ourselves from outside. We are rarely just one., with ourselves or with our experiences. As I listened to the class today sharing their stories, I realized yet again how difficult it is to achieve the wholeness and simplicity we desire. Everyone forms ways of behaving – or defenses – as they are growing up, to cope with the demands and dangers of experiences that threatened them emotionally – caused maybe by parents’ imperfections or ways that they felt left down. And thus some arrive in adulthood with structures which allow them keep going in safety, but which at the same time can keep them severely limited in their fears and lack of ability to trust. Or others arrive with huge conditions placed on their worth – tied to others’ approval or to the necessity to strive, to achieve success or push themselves in work. They look outside themselves for the solutions to the emotional templates formed within when young.
We find it so hard to simply be ourselves, to believe that this is enough, that it is a safe place to be. We look to always add something to ourselves, or to this moment, to feel secure. And yet, looking at the hawk today, in its stillness, what strikes me most is the absence of something, maybe the absence of striving, the resting in just what it is – the ability to just be still and secure with that. We too need to relax into our own being, to let go of the patterns we have built up to protect ourselves, to trust that who we are, deep down, is enough.
We all have well-established habits of thought, emotion, reaction and judgement, and without the keen awareness of practice, we’re just acting out these patterns. When they arise, we’re not aware they’ve arisen. We get lost in them, identify with them, act on them — so much of our life is just acting out patterns.
Joseph Goldstein
