To be a part, that is fulfillment for us:
to be integrated with our solitude into a state that can be shared.
Rilke
Tag: relationships
We all stumble and make mistakes
Knowing ourselves, in our aloneness and weakness, is the foundation for loving others. It saves us from the false belief that our identity comes from what we are in other people’s eyes or from what we can do. It also helps us get beyond the caution that can sometimes accompany reaching out. You know the instinctive fear: if we show our weaknesses and vulnerabilities, then we will get trampled on and hurt. However it is not our strength that is the foundation of community, friendship and love, but a true confidence in who we are, including our failings.
Forgiveness is the name for love practiced among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all people love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour increasingly. That is the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family.
Henri Nouwen
Accepting a fundamental aloneness
There is a wisdom in having moments of quiet in our lives. Learning to stay – being by ourselves and being comfortable with that – is a prerequisite for all work and any relationships. We are good at distracting ourselves and a good number of the problems which we experience are due to this capacity for distraction. We can easily identify with the flow that these activities cause. But there is deeper part of ourselves. When we stop working, slow down and stop moving, and let go of distracting ourselves, we are getting in touch with the silence within and a fundamental truth about our human condition:
All human beings are alone. No other person will completely feel like we do, think like we do, act like we do. Each of us is unique, and our aloneness is the other side of our uniqueness. The question is whether we let our aloneness become loneliness or whether we allow it to lead us into solitude. Loneliness is painful; solitude is peaceful. Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.
Letting our aloneness grow into solitude and not into loneliness is a lifelong struggle. It requires conscious choices about whom to be with, what to study, how to pray, and when to ask for counsel. But wise choices will help us to find the solitude where our hearts can grow in love.
Henri Nouwen
More on repetition and getting stuck
Something similar to last weeks post on repeating patterns in our lives, or what Freud termed the Repetition Compulsion, where he noticed people repeating – sometimes in a disguised way – the experiences which were difficult or distressing in their earlier life. He saw that people do not necessarily remember clearly what was happening in childhood, but still act it out in relationships later, without knowing that they are repeating it. Unconscious dynamics which were formed in childhood and which were adaptive then – such as not allowing anyone get too close, or having to “make” others love them – are repeated in adulthood, even if they are self-destructive. So the past is repeated in a new form, but in the hope that this time the original wound may be healed.
On a day-to-day level this tends to manifest as the story of our life which we have allowed to take hold and which we repeat to ourselves. We can see this idea in this piece from the Tibetan Soygal Rinpoche, writing from a meditation perspective:
As we follow the teachings and we practice, we will inevitably discover certain truths about ourselves that stand out prominently: There are places where we always get stuck; there are habitual patterns and strategies which we continuously repeat and reinforce; there are particular ways of seeing things – those tired old explanations of ourselves and the world around us – that are quite mistaken yet which we hold on to as authentic, and so distort our whole view of reality.
When we persevere on the spiritual path, and examine ourselves honestly, it begins to dawn on us more and more that our perceptions are nothing more than a web of illusions. Simply to acknowledge our confusion, even though we cannot accept it completely, can bring some light of understanding and spark off in us a new process, a process of healing.
A key practice for happiness: Cultivate thankfulness today
Gratitude is the sweetest of all the practices for daily life and the most easily cultivated, requiring the least sacrifice for what is gained in return. It is a very powerful form of mindfulness practice, particularly for those who have depressive or self-defeating feelings, and those with a reactive personality who habitually notice everything that’s wrong in a situation.
Practicing mindfulness of gratitude consistently leads to a direct experience of being connected to life and the realization that there is a larger context in which your personal story is unfolding. Cultivating thankfulness for being part of life blossoms into a feeling of being blessed, not in the sense of winning the lottery, but in a more refined appreciation for the interdependent nature of life. It also elicits feelings of generosity, which create further joy. Gratitude can soften a heart that has become too guarded, and it builds the capacity for forgiveness, which creates the clarity of mind that is ideal for spiritual development.
Phillip Moffitt, Selfless Gratitude
A blueprint for a life
This Thai text was recently sent to me. It is beautiful in its simplicity. It was chosen to be read at a marriage ceremony and thus can be seen as a guide for a life in friendship together.
ที่สุดของการให้คือ…การให้โดยไม่หวังผล
ที่สุดของทานคือ…อภัยทาน
ที่สุดของความรักคือ…การรักโดยไม่ครอบครอง
ที่สุดของคนคือ…การเป็นคนธรรมดาที่มีความสุข
The ultimate in giving is…to give selflessly without thought of reward,
The ultimate in charity is…to forgive oneself and others,
The ultimate in love is…to love without the will to possess,
The ultimate in being human is…to be contented and live one’s life with love and happiness.
Mindfulbalance 