Creating ourselves

We are always in a perpetual state of being created and creating ourselves. We will never be the same, and we have never been quite the way we are right in this moment. This emergence of being as we flow from state to state is characterized by an underlying sense that there is an incredible amount of freedom and cohesion within the system in a given moment. As a person’s states of mind emerge in ways determined by the systems own constraints and by the external constraints of interpersonal connections with others, the self is perpetually being created

Dan Siegel, The Developing Mind; How Relationships and the Brain interact to Shape who we are

Today, choose…

At any given moment, you can choose to follow the chain of thoughts, emotions, and sensations that reinforce a perception of yourself as vulnerable and limited — or you can remember that you true nature is pure, unconditioned, and incapable of being harmed.

If you’re determined to think of yourself as limited, fearful, vulnerable, or scarred by past experience, know only that you have chosen to do so.

The opportunity to experience yourself differently is always available.

Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche


Waiting for something to happen

We have a tendency sometimes to put our lives on hold or believe that conditions will somehow be different in the future and then we will start to put our plans into action. Or maybe we find ourselves looking for something to come from outside  or waiting on  someone else’s plans. In  this way,  we risk missing out on opportunities which already present themselves or on what was right in front of our noses all the time, and which we do not take for fear of making a mistake or because we are waiting for some “perfect” moment.

You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land, there is no other life but this.

Thoreau

Preparing for the end of the world

Well,  the much-hyped end of the world on Saturday did not quite happen. No earthquake, no rapture, no rising up  of the perfect, no revealing of the wicked.  As the predicted time passed across the world, the tendency was to reduce the whole  event to the delusions of a small fringe group.  However, the roots of the idea reveals a psychology that is found not only in those evangelical Christians who believed in Saturday’s date so fervently.  As one Christian commentator said before the event, this type of forecasting tells us little about God but tells us a lot about those who make the predictions.

For one thing, it reveals a way of dealing with the unsatisfactory nature of this world by looking for something or someone to come “fix” things and transcend this world. There are a lot of uncertainties in the world today, stemming from economic uncertainties, the difficulties between nations,  religions and cultures,  and from natural disasters.  And there are always uncertainties in our personal lives. Things change. People close to us get ill or move away.  This can make us feel very insecure and one tendency is to look to something outside, or someone stronger than us, to steady us on this uncertain ground. It is always tempting to seek for some lasting security and we do so frequently, trying to hold onto some aspects of our life or someone who has come into our life.  However, the foundations of mindfulness are quite different. They are based on seeing that change and ambiguity are simply the nature of things in this world, on realizing that life lacks the very things that we feel we need most, such as permanence, security, and certainty.  Our everyday practice is to increasingly feel this personally and move towards relaxing in the uncertainty of the present moment without reaching for anything to protect us. This means that when we come up against the anxious nature of this world, or even its disasters, or when we encounter change and setbacks in our lives, it does not mean that something is wrong with us.  Understanding this allows us relax with ourselves as we are, without always thinking that there is something lacking in us, or missing in the world.

The second implicit idea in this picture of the end of the world is what it says about us and how we need to be in order to “qualify” for this moment. It sees the direction we need to be going in as having “perfection” as its goal.  Now as I said in yesterday’s post, healthy striving and moving forward toward our full potential  is a good thing. However, this spiritual notion of “perfection” can give rise to some dangers. One is that it can build upon an unhealthy perfectionism and unrelenting standards which is frequently linked to shame and the need to earn approval.  This “tyranny of the should” as Karen Horney called it,  gives rise to a deep sense of never being “good enough”, leading many people push themselves and better themselves because of a fear of being judged or disappointing others. Having the notion of “perfection” as the way to define ourselves can give rise to a compulsive running away from ourselves. It also, ironically, can mean that we become slow to do anything, fearing  the mistakes we may make and possibility of failure.

Another danger lies in the suggestion is that the goal is to become “perfect” rather than to becoming “whole”. However, we are not called to move toward some kind of flawlessness or faultlessness but rather towards completion or wholeness.  As Jung rightly pointed out, this means that we hold onto all aspects of our self, including the “shadow” parts  which have their roots in the unconscious: The realization of the self … leads to a fundamental conflict, to a real suspension between opposites…, and to an approximate state of wholeness that lacks perfection. … The individual may strive after perfection … but must suffer from the opposite of his intentions for the sake of his completeness.  In some sense we are always “on the way” rather than ever getting it fully together.

The final danger is in the way that any type of “leaning towards” pulls us out of this moment and how it actually is. Our focus is not on any future, “better” moment, but on this one, even if it is not as we would want it.  The best way to prepare for the future – or the “end of the world” if you like – is to care for this moment and then the next moment. There are enough distractions in the world today, including these spiritual ones, pulling us away from noticing where our life is,  now.

Meanwhile, here we are, missing the fullness of the present moment, which is where the soul resides.  It’s not like you have to go someplace else to get it.  So the challenge here is, Can we live this moment fully?  When you ask a group of people to spend five minutes watching their own breaths moving in and out of their bodies, just as an experiment,  they discover that their minds are like bubbling vats, and it’s not so easy to stay on the breath.  The mind has a life of its own.  It carries you away.  Over a lifetime, you may wind up in the situation where you are never actually where you find yourself.  You’re always someplace else, lost, in your head, and therefore in a kind of dysfunctional or nonoptimal state.  Why dysfunctional?  Because the only time you ever have in which to learn anything or see anything or feel anything, or express any feeling or emotion, or respond to an event, or grow, or heal, is this moment, because this is the only moment any of us ever gets.  You’re only here now; you’re only alive in this moment. The past is gone, and I don’t know what’s coming in the future.  It’s obvious that if I want my life to be whole, to resonate with feeling and integrity and value and health, there’s only one way I can influence the future:  by owning the present

Jon Kabat Zinn

Don’t solidify your emotions into who you are

Through tuning in to the steady flow of the body’s in- and out-breathing, how we actually are gets to feel good. With a steady bodily presence to relate to, the heart sense doesn’t get wound up in its emotions, and how we are doesn’t solidify into who I really am. And this is good news. Because then there can be empathy with others rather than projections and reactions. We’re less needy and therefore less disappointed by other people being the way they are. There is presence, empathy and clear thinking, and they support each other. That’s enough.

Ajahn Sucitto

Being truly in the present

If we are not fully ourselves, truly in the present moment, we miss everything.

When a child presents himself to you with his smile, if you are not really there – thinking about the future or the past, or preoccupied with other problems – then the child is not really there for you. The technique of being alive is to go back to yourself in order for the child to appear like a marvellous reality. Then you can see him smile and you can embrace him in your arms.

Thich Nhat Hahn