Tag: Acceptance

Happiness does not mean there are no problems

Karl Duffy2 Comments

We often think that happiness means that there are no problems going on in our lives. However this is never going to happen for as long as we are on this earth. There are ups and downs every day and we soon see that even the best moments will never last forever. We can only do our best and come to see that some things,  and how others act, are beyond our control.  So happiness comes from viewing  our problems in a new light. The key to wisdom practice is to stay in the present moment, regardless of whether that moment is pleasant or unpleasant. Happiness is not the absence of difficulties, but comes about in the reality of the losses and change which are part of this world.

Another way, which is our practice here, is slowly to open ourselves to the wonder of what life is,  by meticulous attention to the anatomy of the present moment. Slowly, slowly we become more sophisticated and knowledgeable…in this approach everything in our life becomes grist for the mill… as this anatomy becomes clear, freedom increases.

Charlotte Joko Beck

Trusting in your own goodness

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We should find perfect existence through imperfect existence. Suzuki

Was out walking this afternoon in the lovely mild sunshine. Saw the beginnings of growth after this strange short winter, and a farmer working at ploughing her field. Got me reflecting on the conditions that are needed for us to feel safe and grow. There is no such thing as a typical winter; just the winter we have had. We cannot oblige the seasons to start and end exactly when we want. And as Winnicott said, when we were young,  the conditions did not have to be perfect, just “good enough”. There just had to be enough security to allow us to be, before rushing us into doing. Parents just have to do their best  and then the basic good conditions that allow love to grow take over. We just have to trust that this is the case.

If we do not trust,  then we  doubt our fundamental goodness and begin to push too hard or not do enough.  The seeds may get laid down in infancy if a parent does not have an  interior space or is confused in his or her signals. This can leave the young psyches having to do too much, too early, leading to us being “caught up in a false self and a compulsive cycle of “doing” to conceal the absence of “being”. In the adult ironically this  lack of trust in being can manifest as the tendency to try to do more, to be perfect, to always give more.  I see that I can get caught in this believed thought, seeking my security there. Then if something goes wrong I feel that is due to the fact that I did not do enough. A lot of energy goes into this self-judgment because it is dealing with material that is laid down very early in life.

The best way to work with this is to sit in silence, to nourish “fundamental trust”.   There we return to just being and find contentment with that, no matter what the inner critical voice says. We do this in meditation. But we also  have to do it in our relationships with others. One does not have to be perfect in relationships, no matter how others may expect us to be.  There too, being is more important than doing : one just has to be present.  We should not wait for the moment to be “perfect” to reach out and do something for others. This moment is good enough. What is needed is trust in the present moment, in reality, which becomes the most important “holding environment” for us. Trust means that we accept  that things just happen in certain ways and are not due to personal failings on our side.  And then we work with the moment as it is. It can be imperfect, but it is where we grow, even if we would prefer it to be otherwise.

In order to communicate very openly with the world, you need to develop fundamental trust. This kind of trust is not trusting“in”something, but simply trusting. It is very much like your breath. You do not consciously hold on to your breath, or trust in your breath, yet breathing is your very nature. In the same way, to be trusting is your very nature. To be trusting means you are fundamentally free from doubt about your goodness and about the goodness of others.

Dr. Jeremy Hayward

Working with things we wish were different

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When meditating I use an App on my phone as a timer. When the timer elapses it rings a bell and a phrase appears on the screen. So for the last two years I have been greeted at the end of my practice by the words Anyone who understands impermanence ceases to be contentious.  By this time I know the words of this ancient phrase very well.  However, I realize there is a big difference between knowing the words and knowing this in reality. Sure, I know that things change, the seasons come and go, and mental states change frequently. But I still have a strong investment in things staying as they are. And so I struggle. And whenever we struggle with how life actually is we suffer to some extent.  So it seems to me that we really need to experience change in a very real and personal way in order to learn what it means to accept it as a fundamental principle of life. And sometimes  this is forced upon us when we lose something or someone dear to us, when we have to deal with  illness or when we are with someone who is close to death.

Sooner or later we all have to work with things in our life that we wish were different.  And distinguishing when to fight for something and when to let go is not always easy.  However, ther are times when we have to accept the message from others or from life that there is nothing we can do. When this is the case  we allow ourselves feel the sadness which these situations provoke because that is only natural and the pain is often substantial.   And then we try to do what  the wisdom traditions teach :  the best response to things that are beyond our control is to work at not struggling with them.  It is not an easy lesson to learn, and I find that this learning it is always ongoing. But it is the big challenge in this life, to become a knower of change and to let it teach us.

The wounds in our hearts

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At some level we will always be afraid. And the world we live in is very competitive one, which means that we do not always feel secure enough to reveal our true selves. So there is a lot of loneliness in the world, despite modern advances in communication and networking. A great value is placed on  achievement and appearance, and  strength and competency are appreciated. We can get the same message in a different way in our families as we are growing up. Maybe a parent does not have the emotional space at that time in their life to provide a consistent response to our moments of neediness. So we can come to believe that our acceptance by others is based on us being competent or strong in some way, or by us doing something for them. Then as we grow we can get many experiences that confirm and reinforce this; we are disappointed and we pull back. We armour the heart.

And yet, deep within us, we long for someplace where we can feel completely accepted. We want to be in front of someone, not to have to do something to be welcomed. We want to let out the parts that we have hidden away. We look for someone who is attuned to us and who can see us in our brokenness without turning away. We especially wish for that person to be able to contain us when we come up against moments which we take as more proof that there is something wrong with us. And we approach situations or relationships with the deep-down hope that this time our needs will be held and met, rather than finding the same disappointment as before. At moments like that the other person becomes the place where our history and our unconscious needs are played out. We look for someone who will not disappoint us now.

What I am slowly learning in mindfulness practice, is that the way to work with my fears is not to try to fix them but to open a space around them first and allow them to be. As Pema Chodron says:  This is the primary method for working with painful situations….. We can stop struggling with what occurs and see its true face without calling it the enemy. It helps to remember that our practice is not about accomplishing anything—not about winning or losing—but about ceasing to struggle and relaxing as it is. That is what we are doing when we sit down to meditate. That attitude spreads into the rest of our lives. It’s like inviting what scares us to introduce itself and hang around for a while.

And what I have noticed is that people often find hardest at the start of mindfulness practice the idea of a non-judgmental attitude towards themselves, to stop beating themselves up when they find it hard to meditate. And frequently people say to me that the most difficult element in the loving-kindness practice is extending kindness towards themselves.

And it seems to me that is what is needed in relationships also. What we are seeking is someone who can accept us, hold us in our weakness and fears, allow us to be as we are.  Most people, myself included, have tried the alternate strategy, returning again and again to the wounds and fears deep inside them,  trying to “fix” them.  But what I find is that some wounds are slow to change and we have to accept that we will always have some trace of our deepest fears, of old patterns that can be triggered in new guises.  We will always be wounded in some way. What we seek in relationships is not someone who appreciates us in our strengths and achievements , but  someone who can hold the fears which we feel, without panicking or taking it personally. It is not necessary to heal the wounds, but simply to be able to look at them without turning away.

Blue Monday again: Looking deeper

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Supposedly, today is another “Blue Monday”, when we are more prone to depression. Or maybe just an ordinary Monday, when we find it hard to get going, and notice more the difficulties when they arise. Or simply another day when we struggle with the aspects of our life that feel are  stuck at this moment. One way or the other we have to deal with the ups and downs of life. Looking deeper and gaining insight into the overall nature of life may help.

The Buddha did not teach that life is constant misery, nor that you should expect to feel pain and unhappiness at all times. Rather, he proclaimed that suffering is an unavoidable reality of ordinary human existence that is to be known and responded to wisely. While you, like all beings, may try your hardest to experience only the good and avoid the bad, there is simply no way for any of us to escape unpleasant experiences. They are part of the dance, life being true to its own nature.

Philipp Moffitt, Dancing with Life

The solution is within

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When we’re disappointed or frustrated, when we’re in pain or when our day’s not going well, our tendency is to search for an object of blame. Our mantra becomes, “If only something were different, I wouldn’t be having this problem.” Blame is tricky. By trying to find someone else who’s at fault, we’re failing to deal with our own mind. Instead of looking inward, or taking a big view and seeing the transparency of the whole situation, we vent. “If only the driver in front of me had been going faster, I wouldn’t be late for work.” “If only someone else had cleaned the kitchen, I would be watching my favorite TV show instead of mopping this floor.” Even if we find someone we can logically blame for our pain, conducting our life in this way does not provide genuine relief. Blaming just lays the ground for further suffering and discontent.

From a meditator’s point of view, as long as we’re looking for someone to blame, our mind is unable to settle. Blame is a form of aggression.  The meditation path encourages us to be bigger, more openminded, more mature. It’s suggesting that we take responsibility for our behavior. This means that one day we will simply have to stop blaming the world. By blaming others when the world doesn’t move the way we want, we’re creating narrow parameters into which everything must fit. We become dead-set on what will solve our problem; nothing else will do. Blame ties us to the past and reduces who we are. Our possibilities become confined to one small situation. What is that path of blame going to accomplish?

Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche, End Blame