Acceptance – Page 128 – Mindfulbalance

Good days and bad days

January 4, 2011January 4, 2011 Karl DuffyLeave a comment

Níl aon suáilce gan a duáilce féin. Irish Proverb

(lit. There is no virtue that does not have its own vice = There are no unmixed blessings in life)

Acceptance of life’s up and down’s may be a wiser way to start the New Year and may reflect the wisdom worked out over the centuries in some of the religious and wisdom traditions. However, it does not mean that it is easy to do. The fact that we are continually surprised and upset by changes in our life is testimony to the resilience of our belief in – and wish for – something unchanging and permanent. We want things to last, to stay as they are, as indeed sometimes they should. Therefore, every time we have an experience that brings us face to face with the reality of impermanence, such as when someone moves away, a friendship ends or we lose something we care about, we suffer, sometimes deeply. It is a reminder that it is in the nature of the human heart to form attachments, and of the flip side of being fully involved in life. However, when we come to really understand that things are not guaranteed to remain the same, or that people are not always consistent , it frees us from always reading what happened as a story about us. It also saves us from defaulting to the usual pattern of interpretation that we use, such as that we are to blame or that we did not try hard enough.

It would seem that some awareness of the impossibility of holding onto things exactly as we would like to has been around since time began. Different cultures have tried to understand it in different ways. We can see this in the Irish proverb quoted at the start of the post. The Ancient Greeks tried to understand it by blaming the gods. As we can see in this extract from the Iliad, they believed that humans received either a mixture of up’s and down’s, good and evil, or received suffering, but never received pure good times that lasted forever: On the floor of Jove’s palace there stand two urns, the one filled with evil gifts, and the other with good ones. He for whom Jove the lord of thunder mixes the gifts he sends, will meet now with good and now with evil fortune; but he to whom Jove sends none but evil gifts will be pointed at by the finger of scorn, the hand of famine will pursue him to the ends of the world, and he will go up and down the face of the earth, respected neither by gods nor men.

Loneliness at New Year.

January 3, 2011January 3, 2011 Karl Duffy1 Comment

Everyone is encouraged to welcome the New Year with a lot of outward energy, seeking to create an identity characterized by us being jolly and looking forward enthusiastically, incarnating confidence and determination. This is the dominant portrayal on the news channels. And yet there is a paradox, because at the same time, studies show that New Year’s Eve and the days around it are the periods when people feel lowest about themselves. It may be simply that the gap between what they imagine others feel like, and what they actually feel, makes them feel worse about themselves. But I think it has deeper roots and maybe one of the reasons that people make such an effort around New Years is to cover up a sense of unease deep down inside which they do not know how to work with.

This unease appears in our lives as a underlying sense of not being fully at home, an inner dissatisfaction, a restlessness in the heart. It is described in different ways in different psychological, philosophical and wisdom writings. However, I will simply call it here “loneliness”. Normally in our lives, we work hard to cover this loneliness up by activity and the things we do as we seek recognition and success. We like to be involved in a work which is seen by others as valuable and worthwhile. We like to be kept busy. However, it comes more to the surface when we have a break from our usual activities, when we cannot perform or when our imagination lets us down. And because we do not like this feeling and are not sure how to work with it, we try to distract ourselves from it, only to notice that it comes back quickly.

Most people instinctively think that this loneliness is a bad sign and wish to move away from it. And that is how many self-help and psychological approaches would advise. We are encouraged to see if we can find the roots of it, to trace it back to the faults of others and in that way gain some sort of mastery over it. Mindfulness takes a different approach, and it can be a great relief to hear that. Mindfulness is based on the understanding that there is a loneliness or deep restlessness at the heart of life, and that is just the way things are. It does not mean there is anything wrong with our life, or with us, just because we feel it. It manifests itself as unease and boredom, anxiety and sometimes depression. One of the liberations in mindfulness comes from the fact that it says that life is unsatisfactory, and that everyone is dissatisfied with their life in some way to a greater or lesser extent and that is just the way it is. We do not have to turn this fact into a judgement about ourselves.

Not surprisingly, therefore, it proposes a different response than trying to run away from or fix this fundamental loneliness. It is not through distracting ourselves or fixing ourselves with numerous resolutions. It starts by encouraging us to stop fighting with our loneliness so that we can actually start coming to a real understanding of the dynamics that lead to happiness or the lack of it. In other words, we work at transforming our instinctive distaste for the unsatisfactory nature of life, moving in the direction of accepting it, and in this way we fundamentally change our relationship with ourselves, and with everyone else. The underlying unsatisactory nature of life can never be eliminated; however, how we experience it can be transformed. It does not have to be threatening of fearful, once we learn to be with it and not rushing to get away from it.

I believe that loneliness is something essential to human nature; it can only be covered over, it can never actually go away. Loneliness is part of being human, because there is nothing in existence that can completely fulfill the needs of the human heart.

Sometimes it seems as if we do everything possible to avoid the painful confrontation with our basic human loneliness, and allow ourselves to be trapped by false gods promising immediate satisfaction and quick relief. But perhaps the painful awareness of loneliness is an invitation to transcend our limitations and look beyond the boundaries of our existence. The awareness of loneliness might be a gift we must protect and guard, because our loneliness reveals to us an inner emptiness that can be destructive when misunderstood, but filled with promise for him who can tolerate its sweet pain.

Jean Vanier, Becoming Human

How we speak to ourselves

January 2, 2011January 2, 2011 Karl DuffyLeave a comment

I tell mindfulness practitioners to listen to the tone their inner voice uses to comment on their experience. I ask them to consider whether, if they had a friend who spoke that way, they would keep that friend.

The moment in which people discover they are not holding themselves in compassion, not speaking kindly, is often startling and always sad. That awareness is sometimes enough to cause the critic’s voice to soften, and the soother’s voice to be heard.

Sylvia Boorstein, I’m Not ok, you’re not ok – and thats ok

What I learnt from last year: Give up this year

January 1, 2011January 1, 2011 Karl Duffy1 Comment

The main trend in the maturational process can be condensed into the different meanings of the word “integration” Winnicott

Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one’s being, but by integration of the contraries. Jung

What am I looking for this year? One answer coming from modern society and from some branches of psychology seems to indicate that I should continue to work on my self along a path toward greater development or some notion of perfection.

This drive toward change and perfection is everywhere today. Society suffers from a type of inner anorexia – continually, unhappily, looking at its shape in the mirror and seeing problems with it. It is never where it wants to be. Last evening, during a lovely celebration with friends, I listened as talk turned to the unrelenting pressure and push to reach deadlines at work. In my own work this last year I have seen the faces of people, drained, feeling cut off and empty, confused and alone – sometimes even after they have met with the success that they have sought. I feel it myself in the unrelenting message of the media, promoting, as easily attainable, a perfect body, the perfect job, the perfect friend, perfect children, the perfect lover, a perfect life. On TV or in the cinema, I see people leading perfect lives every day, not having to struggle with the unattractive realities or ordinariness of everyday living as imperfect human beings, and I look at myself in the mirror and wonder as I see aspects of my life, “What is up with me….. I must be doing something wrong.”

Everyone has their own version of the perfect image to which they cannot match up, linked to a fear of never being accepted. Often the striving for perfection is a defense against anxieties, or against engagements with others that may disappoint us. For me, it is a struggle which drains and exhausts me, because it is linked to a self-image or concept of who I think I should be. I was well grounded in this fear and internalized, while young, that anything less than an ideal was not good enough. And over the years I have applied that mainly in my relationship with others. I have linked my feeling right about myself to the amount of giving I can do – without asking for much in return – while hoping that this will remove a sense of emptiness which I experience as residing in myself. As time passes I see that it is not so much that I have new experiences, but the same pattern, over and over again. I run to take refuge in the safe haven of my mind from the anxieties for perfection felt deep in the cells of the body. However, this just reinforces the dynamics that I mistakenly think it will overcome .

So this year, rather than demanding perfection of myself or of others, this year I intend to allow myself be the “relative failure” which Winnicott has said is normal – human beings “fail and fail….in the course of ordinary care”. I do not have to be perfect in giving. I can see that we are never fully integrated, and demanding continual improvement, despite what others may say, is wrong for us. Our path is towards wholeness rather than perfection, and wholeness includes being able to live with contrasts within ourselves, such as having needs while responding to others. It also means that I can live with a fundamental emptiness without immediately thinking that it needs to be fixed. And this is the key insight of meditation practice: Opening a non-judgmental holding space around our inner experience, without taking the feelings of imperfection personally. We need to rest with our experience of ourselves, without trying to feel more than we actually do. We can live with the absence of perfection.

Tonight we’re going to party….

December 30, 2010December 30, 2010 Karl Duffy1 Comment

The expectations which a new year creates can sometimes heighten the sense of disappointment or insecurity which we feel regarding where our life actually is.

There are a number of ways in which we can respond to this insecurity. One is to say “Tonight we are going to party like it’s ….” In other words, focus on what needs to be added to your life and throw yourself into something different. Convince yourself that what is required is to go out and find a party or new friends and surround yourself with life and music, get a new look and start all over again. In this way you can leave behind the past year/ person/ relationship/ bad patch (insert your own version here……….) and break free, finally, once and for all. Now, this not the worst of ideas, and I too will celebrate the evening in a party with friends. However, if the underlying causes are not faced most likely it just offers relief for a few hours. Most things started in haste or under pressure tend to pick up at the same level of development we are at when we jump into them, and thus can just prolong the same issues.

A different response is to turn on yourself, focus on what is lacking, feel bad about who you are, dissect the reasons as to why you have reached the end of another year and yet are no further on than last year, and push harder. This pushing can take the shape of finding the root causes for your problems, such as having too many unhealed problems since childhood. Or it can simply focus on now, demanding more, pushing harder, renewing your positive thoughts or ambitions for the next twelve months. This is the way to be more focused/ more balanced/have a better body/ find a new relationship (insert your own version here………..) However, pushing ourselves towards perfection is unrelenting, and, as hard as we try, we are unlikely to turn off the critical messages in our heads that say “this is never good enough” or “what will those looking at me say?” And any desire for change which is based on unrelenting standards towards ourselves tends to maintain the same division between the “I” that observes and the “I” that is not good enough and thus just perpetuates the same perspective into the future.

There are some strange contradictions inherent in change and happiness. Change comes from accepting ourselves – resting with our imperfections and recognizing that we are already enough – and seeing that we are worthy of love and belonging. All moving forward needs to be based on our capacity to sit still, accepting what we have. Happiness comes when we do not make it the focus of our efforts, but accepting that it comes even when we are not completely satisfied with where we are at any given moment.

Give up on yourself. Begin taking action now, while being neurotic or imperfect, or a procrastinator, or unhealthy, or lazy, or any other label by which you inaccurately describe yourself. Go ahead and be the best imperfect person you can be and get started on those things you want to accomplish before you die

Shoma Morita

Preparing for a new year

December 30, 2010December 30, 2010 Karl DuffyLeave a comment

As yesterday’s post said, people begin to look forward to the new year as an opportunity to start again. This is natural, but frequently does not lead to any real change, unless we understand the patterns within our own heart. Any lasting growth comes from an understanding of our heart, with all its needs and hopes, its vulnerabilities and wisdom. This means that we can drop all pretense and the need to blame others for what is lacking in our lives. In many cases the desire for change around this time is based on comparing our lives with others and feeling we are lacking. Instead of looking outward, we turn within and gently look forward – not based on fear of where we are now or criticism of this past year – but rather accepting who we are and opening to the new opportunities which will unfold.