Finding our own depths

Last week, walking, I was startled by a  heron taking off. This beautiful large bird rose up with very graceful slow beats of its wings, its long neck folded into a “s” shape, and flew away,  letting out a loud squawk as it got further away. I looked after this bird as it vanished into the distance, leaving silence behind. Normally herons do not draw much attention to themselves, as they stand, solitary and still, for hours in fields or water, waiting to catch a frog or fish.

Because of this, for the ancient Celts  the heron symbolized independence, patience and intelligence. They saw them as special creatures, who dwelt between the different realms of land, water and sky. Maybe because of its solitary nature, the heron was also seen as a messenger from the gods. And moments when we come accross the beauty of nature close up often feel like blessed moments, especially as we stand in the silence looking after them.

I admire the heron’s  capacity to stand still, to stay focused, to draw on inner resources. It reminds me to trust myself, to nurture my own roots, ones that nothing and nobody can take away. I do not need to “produce” something in order to be happy. Looking at it standing there prompts me to see that I have a responsibility to befriend myself first of all, to be be comfortable my own solitude before any interactions with others and with the world. I see that I need to deconnect more,  to quieten the noise, to simplify this increasingly complicated life, and resist the truth advanced today that being always connected means being more fruitful.

It is only from this place of solitude, from having our own wells, that we can really listen to others and relate to their deepest needs.  As Mary Oliver reflected when she saw a heron rise up, new life rises up from the depths of the dark pools in which we stand. We have to descend before we can arise.

So heavy is the long-necked, long-bodied heron,
always it is a surprise
when her smoke-colored wings 

open
and she turns from the thick water,
from the black sticks

of the summer pond,
and slowly rises into the air
and is gone.

Then, not for the first or the last time,
I take the deep breath
of happiness, and I think how unlikely it is

that death is a hole in the ground,
how improbable
that ascension is not possible,
though everything seems so inert, so nailed

back into itself–
the muskrat and his lumpy lodge,
the turtle, the fallen gate.

And especially it is wonderful
that the summers are long
and the ponds so dark and so many,
and therefore it isn’t a miracle

but the common thing,
this decision,
this trailing of the long legs in the water,
this opening up of the heavy body

into a new life: see how the sudden
gray-blue sheets of her wings
strive toward the wind; see how the clasp of nothing
takes her in.

Mary Oliver, Heron rises from the Dark Summer Pond

One sees clearly only with the heart

It may be that when we no longer know what to do,

we have come to our real work

and when we no longer know which way to go

we have begun our real journey.

Wendell Berry

Challenges

A full life is not made up of an uninterrupted succession of pleasant sensations
but really comes from transforming the way we understand and work through the challenges of our existence.

Matthieu Ricard, The Art of Meditation

When fear approaches

When your mind is reeling in confusion, breathe deeply into the centre of your chest.

Connecting to ther core of your being this way extends loving kindness to yourself , even when there is none in sight.

Ezra Bayda

Finding your princess

We are looking out there all the time, and not at ourselves.

Charlotte Joko Beck

The fact that all the news channels around the world devoted significant airtime to the announcement of the  engagement of Prince William and Kate Middleton shows that we have not lost our fascination with fairy tales. Most fairy tales, including those about the noble prince marrying the princess for love, can be seen as symbols of inner experiences and provide insight into human longings. Our choice of stories says a lot about us. When we identify with characters in a story we strengthen those aspects in ourselves. The British press is already looking forward to the wedding as a moment to help the nation look beyond its problems,  have its spirits lifted and its wounds healed.   It is as if the nation believes in this before-and-after story, looking to a hero to transform their circumstances, from inner poverty to riches.  By what, you may ask.  By just a wedding, or a wedding that has to carry all the hopes and dreams we all have for love and for life?

We too have a huge capacity to look outside ourselves for something to fulfill us. Most fairytales are quests to find out if there is a place elsewhere that has the something else that we feel we need. The biggest difficulty with this approach is that it divides the world into me and everything outside of me. And this gives rise to the tendency to look outside for something or some change in circumstance to respond to and heal the unease inside  of us. We can look for a career, or a inspiring teacher, or a religion or a practice……..something, someone,  to whom we can hand over the confusion and lack of direction we find inside ourselves. And often the place we do this most is in the relationships we seek to establish. We look to another person to fulfill us, to soothe the feelings of anxiety we find inside. We frequently place upon the other a wish to make our own lives more meaningful, more rich. We see the other person as the one who will fulfill our lacks, and often expect them to be able to heal our deepest wounds also. And yet  relationships do go a long way to touching the core parts of our being, especially when we find someone capable of deep sensitivity and selfless caring. However, drawing close to another inevitably brings our wounded places into sharper focus, and it can be quite a challenge to keep opening up the heart and allowing another person into our deepest self.

In my experience, I find that trying to live my life in a way that leads to my deepest happiness is something that requires constant attention.  I do not know if I get the balance right between outer and inner. I know that this fulness of life has something to do with living from my deepest inner capacities for loving and all that means. But often my experience is that I stumble   and fall in my attempts at full expression of that capacity. Despite the desire to connect, to relax with others, I  frequently hold back and check to see if they can actually hold my heart and my fears. I often pull back. I know that I am not alone in this: in my work I also encounter people who do not know how to show the love that they feel, or request the love that they need, the love whose absence makes a wound of this world and of so many lives.

Real life is  more complex than enchanted fairy tales. It demands in some way that we become disenchanted, not necessarily in a bad sense, but in the sense of being freed from the spell  which promises some magical saving from outside.  We have to discover that there are no perfect people, perfect job, perfect set of circumstances in which to live.  We have to be disenchanted in order to realize where true happiness lies. Happiness is an inside job, as a book reminds us, based on us looking inside rather than looking out., without however using that as a way of running from our need for love.  The original root of the word nobility comes from the greek word gnosis, meaning knowledge or wisdom. Our true nobility does not come from some outside prince, but from knowing how to live in harmony with an open heart.

The way to true happiness isn’t through trying to make everything right and pleasant on the external dimension, but to develop the right understanding, the right attitude towards ourselves.

Ajahn Sumedho

In front of us, now

The seed of mindfulness is in each one of us, but we usually forget to water it.

We think that happiness is only possible in the future – when we get a house, a car, a Ph.D. We struggle in our mind and body, and we don’t touch the peace and joy that are available right now – the blue sky, the green leaves, the eyes of our beloved.

Thich Nhat Hahn