Tag: Psychology

When your day is blue, or grey, look for red

Karl Duffy1 Comment

The snow returned briefly yesterday, and today there is a bitter north wind.  When times are grey or cold, or if our mood is blue (as this week is purported to be) we need to consciously notice the moments of colour and warmth in our lives, explicitly savouring them a little longer. We have to let positive facts become positive experiences. Just as   Mary Oliver does when she pays attention to the red bird in this poem. What were  or are the moments of colour in your day today that you can be grateful for? Who or what brought warmth? Allow yourself  to feel good if you achieve something  however small,  if someone smiles or if you notice a good quality in yourself. As studies have shown, the more you take in the good in little details, the more your brain tilts towards the positive in an overall sense.

Still, for whatever reason —
perhaps because the winter is so long
and the sky so black-blue,

or perhaps because the heart narrows
as often as it opens —
I am glad

that red bird comes all winter,
firing up the landscape
as nothing else can do.

This week, reduce stress at work: 3 Create gaps

Karl Duffy1 Comment

In the first post of this series Marc Lesser reminded us that “we do less by pausing in the midst of activities”. Developing a habit  or practice of creating gaps is a key skill in helping us remain mindful during our workday, especially when we are very busy. Again, here are a few suggested practical ways we can do this. If you like you can try them. Developing little habits around things we do each day and practicing them when we are calm,  means that they can prompt us to slow down on the days things get hectic:

  • From time to time while sitting at your desk,  take a quick break from your regular activity, and devote two minutes to being mindful of your body. During this time, just check in with your body, noticing, in particular, your shoulders, stomach, face, and hands. If you find tension in any of these places, see if you can relax.
  • In a similar way, find as many ways you can to increase your awareness of your sense of touch and see if you can use it to anchor you in the present moment.      Notice the warmth of a cup of coffee, notice your fingers touching the computer keyboard, when you wash your hands really feel the touch of the water, when you lift a glass feel the touch of the glass, feel the touch of what you eat and drink.
  • Use everyday cues as mindfulness reminders to come back for a moment to the breath. For example, if your job involves answering the phone, let it ring for two or three seconds and use the call to remind you to become aware of your breath. Thich Nhat Hahn has written about this practice: Every time you hear the telephone ringing,  stay exactly where you are. You breathe in and breathe out and enjoy your breathing. Listen, listen-this wonderful sound brings you back to your true home. Then when you hear the second ring you go to the telephone with dignity. You know that you can afford to do that, because if the other person has something really important to tell you, she will not hang up before the third ring. That is what we call telephone meditation. We use the sound as the bell of mindfulness.
  • Take breaks and try to get away from the desk, even for a short period. If you take a tea or coffee break, instead of it being just part of your morning routine which passes automatically, use it to reconnect with your sensations and your awareness of just this moment. Pay attention to the aroma of the coffee or tea, notice the first taste, how you hold the cup, the warmth in your hands and your mouth. Use the break to relax and allow the mind to settle, even briefly.
  • If your job involves using a photocopier or elevator, or going to meeting or interview rooms, use each of these movements to practice awareness. For example, walk slightly slower than normal to the photocopier, becoming aware of your movement, somewhat as we do in walking meditation. Using the elevator, resist the impulse to push the button twice to make it arrive faster and become aware of the experience of waiting. Do you notice you are rushing? What does that feel like? Allow yourself to go at the speed of the elevator rather than wishing to would go faster.

Changing the colour of your day

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Depending on who you believe, either yesterday, the 17th, or next Monday, the 24th is “Blue Monday” – the most depressing day of the year. This fact was based on rather dubious “scientific” evidence and was originally part of an advertisement campaign by a Travel company hoping to encourage the early booking of summer holidays. However, the notion has found its way onto  reputable news services and even gotten some support in mental health circles. Indeed, one of them has gone so far as to say that, given the economic climate, 2011 is gloomy enough to merit  having two Blue Mondays, this week and next week.

It is an idea that fits into one understanding of happiness, namely, that most of our happiness depends on our circumstances. Because January is normally cloudy, and people spent too much money at New Year, and being back at work reveals that nothing has changed in their lives, therefore this must mean unhappiness. We have a deep-rooted instinct to seek happiness out there, either in a perfect job or career, a perfect relationship or friendship, a perfect place to live. If we accept this and because most of us have some level of imperfection in at least one of these areas, which was not magically resolved this over the holiday period,  we are bound to hit a wall of depression.

However, research has shown that only a small part of our happiness comes from these types of external conditions.  The models of happiness we get in the media tend to be happiness-in-the-perfect life, the perfect relationship, all white with no shades of grey.  However, normal human life and happiness is always relative, and never unchangingly absolute.  Furthermore, modern society tends to favour the disposal of situations or people whom we no longer have time for or have gotten complicated or difficult. Seeing this we frequently fall in to the trap of comparing our life to outside models, finding it lacking and thinking a quick fix is the answer. When this is not forthcoming we get disappointed and down, not realizing that  happiness is possible even when things are not perfect, if we know where to seek it.

What meditation practice reveals is that most emotional agitation and suffering is, in fact,  caused by the mind, not by external circumstances and certainly not by something as arbitrary as a date in January.  It is part of the human condition to frequently feel – and not just on January 17th – that life is not offering us enough, or that we are not doing enough in it, or that we are under pressure with what we have to do. Some level of difficulty occurs to everyone from time to time, and it does not mean that something has gone wrong. Mental impression cross the mind frequently, and our happiness depends on how we work with them.  Rather than chasing after happiness, meditation practice trains the mind to turn to whatever is happening at any particular moment, and to rest in that. Over time we gradually we get the strength to sit with the thoughts without getting hooked in them.  As the old saying goes, difficulties may be inevitable – such as the weather or the blues on an January morning – but it is how our mind deals with this that determines what colour the day turn out.

Everything is material for the seed of happiness, if you look into it with inquisitiveness and curiosity. The future is completely open, and we are writing it moment to moment. There always is the potential to create an environment of blame — or one that is conducive to loving-kindness.

Pema Chodron

More health benefits of mindfulness: Mindfulness, therapy and getting over our fears

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There was an article in last Sunday’s Wall Street Journal on how increasingly Mindfulness is being used to help people overcome negative thoughts and feelings, or what the article terms, “the Voice” –  that nagging, persistent commentary in your head. It describes mindfulness as an effective way of doing therapy with these negative, judgmental thoughts, by training us to simply observe them, rather than trying to deny them. Getting frustrated with aspects of our lives – such as our weight, our relationships,  or our self-confidence –   and suddenly trying to change them, (a frequent strategy around New Year),  often only strengthens the grip of negative thoughts. Mindfulness, on the other hand, is based on us  becoming non-judgmentally familiar with the stream of thoughts and emotions which pass through our mind every minute and – this is the key –  observe them without getting involved, almost as if we were observing a parade on the street or a soap opera on television.

The article concludes with a quote from Marsha Linehan, who was one of the first to apply mindfulness principles in her work with Borderline patients. She speaks about the importance of not judging ourselves, of simply being with whatever arises in the mind as a thought or an emotion: “Most of us think that if we are judgmental enough, things will change. But judgment makes it harder to change. What happens in mindfulness over the long haul is that you finally accept that you’ve seen this soap opera before and you can turn off the TV.”

The whole article is well worth the read: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059823679423598.html?mod=WSJ_hpp_sections_health

Loneliness at New Year.

Karl Duffy1 Comment

Everyone is encouraged to welcome the New Year with a lot of outward energy, seeking to create an identity characterized by us being jolly and looking forward enthusiastically, incarnating confidence and determination. This is the dominant portrayal on the news channels. And yet there is a paradox, because at the same time,  studies show that New Year’s Eve and the days around it are the periods when people feel lowest about themselves. It may be simply that the gap between what they imagine others feel like, and what they actually feel,  makes them feel worse about themselves. But I think it has deeper roots and maybe one of the reasons that people make such an effort around New Years is to cover up a sense of unease deep down inside which they do not know how to work with.

This unease appears in our lives as a underlying sense of not being fully at home, an inner dissatisfaction, a restlessness in the heart. It is described in different ways in different psychological, philosophical and wisdom writings. However, I will simply call it here “loneliness”.  Normally in our lives, we work hard to cover this loneliness up by activity and the things we do as we seek recognition and success.  We like to be involved in a work which is seen by others as valuable and worthwhile. We like to be kept busy. However, it comes more to the surface when we have a break from our usual activities, when we cannot perform or when our imagination lets us down. And because we do not like this feeling and are not sure how to work with it, we try to distract ourselves from it, only to notice that it comes back quickly.

Most people instinctively think that this loneliness is a bad sign and wish to move away from it. And that is how many self-help and psychological approaches would advise. We are encouraged to see if we can find the roots of it, to trace it back to the faults of others and in that way gain some sort of mastery over it. Mindfulness takes a different approach, and it can be a great relief to hear that. Mindfulness is based on the understanding that there is a loneliness or deep restlessness at the heart of life, and that is just the way things are. It does not mean there is anything wrong with our life, or with us,  just because we feel it. It manifests itself as unease and boredom, anxiety and sometimes depression. One of the liberations in mindfulness comes from the fact that it says that life is unsatisfactory, and that everyone is dissatisfied with their life in some way to a greater or lesser extent and that is just the way it is. We do not have to turn this fact into a judgement about ourselves.

Not surprisingly, therefore, it proposes a different response than trying to run away from or fix this fundamental loneliness.  It is not through distracting ourselves or fixing ourselves with numerous resolutions. It starts by encouraging us to stop fighting with our loneliness so that we can actually start coming to a real understanding of the dynamics that lead to happiness or the lack of it. In other words, we work at transforming our instinctive distaste for the unsatisfactory nature of life, moving in the direction of accepting it, and in this way we fundamentally change our relationship with ourselves, and with everyone else. The underlying unsatisactory nature of life can never be eliminated; however, how we experience it can be transformed. It does not have to be threatening of fearful, once we learn to be with it and not rushing to get away from it.

I believe that loneliness is something essential to human nature; it can only be covered over, it can never actually go away. Loneliness is part of being human, because there is nothing in existence that can completely fulfill the needs of the human heart.

Sometimes it seems as if we do everything possible to avoid the painful confrontation with our basic human loneliness, and allow ourselves to be trapped by false gods promising immediate satisfaction and quick relief. But perhaps the painful awareness of loneliness is an invitation to transcend our limitations and look beyond the boundaries of our existence. The awareness of loneliness might be a gift we must protect and guard, because our loneliness reveals to us an inner emptiness that can be destructive when misunderstood, but filled with promise for him who can tolerate its sweet pain.

Jean Vanier, Becoming Human

Why we are afraid to show our true selves

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It is striking that the first words spoken by the angels in the Christmas story are “Do not be afraid”. It is as if one of the most important messages needed to be communicated to us is for us not to be limited by our fears. Everyday we see that the mind likes to dwell in fear. In fact, it is striking to notice how much of our day-to-day life is governed by an undercurrent of fear, which lurks behind a lot of our behaviours. This is why it is so hard to just sit still or stand still and just be ourselves — not doing anything to prove ourselves — without feeling anxious or fidgety. For these reason, we frequently develop a False Self when young, a mask which we think will be more acceptable to others. This False self is in response to failures encountered when we were growing, which led us to believe that we were not  acceptable just as we are. We feel we are not “good enough” and thus have to create a persona that we believe is better, maybe a “compulsive harder working self,” or an “always trying to please self”,  or an always” taking care of others while neglecting our own needs” self.

However, the different wisdom traditions teach that our True Self is worthwhile in and of itself.  Real freedom and joy is possible,  without hiding, and our exterior self can reflect our ture interior being, provided we know where to start. We need to begin with developing a kindness and warmth towards ourselves, by cultivating the eyes of these angels towards our inner self. Maybe these divine visitors see more clearly into our true nature, and remind us to look to that, and not to the fearful thoughts that discourage us. At times we find it easier to see ourselves in a limited and impoverished way, with our repeated patterns of thinking reminding us that we are weak or struggling. These texts remind us that there is a natural courage deep inside us. They encourage us to believe, to dare, to open up to possibilities. Fully becoming who we are begins with where we are, actually, at this point in our lives. If they can see goodness and courage in us, why can’t we?