We are fragmented into so many different aspects.
We don´t know who we really are, or what aspects of ourselves we should identify with or believe in. So many contradictory voices, dictates, and feelings fight for control over our inner lives that we find ourselves scattered everywhere, in all directions, leaving nobody at home.
Meditation, then, is bringing the mind home
Sogyal Rinpoche
As adults we can sometimes fall into the trap of blaming others for where or who we are. Instead we work at letting go of resentments and becoming responsible for nurturing ourselves. Our parents may not have provided the care we needed deep down, or others may have failed to support us in our lives. However, now we take on that role by acknowledging our own deepest needs and listening to what our inner self has to say.
We are, in a sense, our own parents, and we give birth to ourselves by our own free choice of what is good.
St Gregory of Nyssa, Homily on the Book of Ecclesiastes
The practice of “letting go” is very effective for minds obsessed by compulsive thinking. You simplify your meditation practice down to just two words – letting go – rather than try to develop this practice and then develop that, and achieve this and go into that…. I did nothing but this for about two years – every time I tried to understand or figure things out, I’d say “let go, let go” until the desire would fade out. So I am making it very simple for you, to save you from getting caught in suffering.
Ajahn Sumedho
When we train in letting go of thinking that anything — including ourselves — is either good or bad, we open our minds to practice with forgiveness and humor. And we practice opening to a compassionate space in which good/bad judgments can dissolve. We practice letting go of our idea of a “goal” and letting go of our concept of “progress,” because right there, in that process of letting go, is where our hearts open and soften — over and over again.
Pema Chodron
At any moment we can say that we are on our way somewhere. We are between what has happened ( which is now a memory, but may be quite active in our emotions and fears) and what could happen (which is at this moment just a thought). We are in the present, which is really the only time there is. This may lead us to feel unfulfilled. However, when we look at in creatively, it can help us respond to life in new ways.
For example, it can change our attitude towards the future. If we are anchored in the present, we do not lean into the future. We can break it down into steps, thus ensuring that it does not overwhelm and frighten us. We do not have to live the whole of the future. Just this moment. Then the next moment. It can also change our attitude towards ourself. If we can bring a gentle non-judgment to ourselves and to our life, we can soften in the moment, and resist the natural tendency to become rigid, especially if we are going through a difficult period. This helps us go against a primitive defense mechanism, which Melanie Klein referred to when she said that one way of dealing with anxious thoughts is simply to avoid them and remove them from awareness, thereby prolonging the problem. Thus. awareness of the present help us work with the past also, by allowing us see repeating unhelpful patterns of thinking, and their accompanying instinctive feelings. It allows us move beyond the categories of right or wrong, by focusing on just being with what is going on inside ourselves at this moment. Gently. Without adding the extra burden of bad self or bad other.
This is not so easy, because if we notice strong emotion in the moment it normally means that we are already caught or hooked by it. However, contrary to our normal instinct, it is by learning to become more open to others and to what is happening that we grow stronger. It has been said that the whole of the inner life begins with generosity in the heart, because that is about creating space. Space for this actual moment. It softens us rather than freezing us into what Srikumar Rao calls the “if – then” model. “If only this moment was different then I would be happy….If only such or such happens then I will be happy”
Being present in the present moment is a skill, that we try to cultivate in our practice. I find that life continually gives me occasions for practicing this skill and a lot of time I fail. However, when I do, I find I do not add to life’s difficulty by struggling with it, or by resenting it, or by resisting it. I find my mind relaxes when I remember to be generous and non-judgmental, firstly towards myself and then towards others and the world.
In-between is where humans always are,
thats what we have to welcome,
a story with an uncertain ending.
And this condition is interesting if you inhabit it;
it’s alive.
If I’m facing something that I don’t know what to do,
the “not knowing” is what is true,
and the resources that I have,
deeply ignorant that I am,
will have to be enough.
John Tarrant
The very basis of fear itself is doubting ourselves, not trusting ourselves. You could also say it is not loving ourselves, not respecting ourselves. In a nutshell, you feel bad about who you are. So the very first step, and perhaps the hardest, is developing an unconditional friendship with oneself. Developing unconditional friendship means taking the very scary step of getting to know yourself. It means being willing to look at yourself clearly and to stay with yourself when you want to shut down. It means keeping your heart open when you feel that what you see in yourself is just too embarrassing, too painful, too unpleasant, too hateful.
If you do stay present with what you see when you look at yourself again and again, you begin to develop a deeper friendship with yourself. It’s a complete friendship, because you are not leaving out the parts that are painful to be with. It’s the same way you would develop a complete friendship with another person. You include all that they are. When you develop this complete friendship with yourself, the parts you’re embarrassed about—as well as the parts you’re proud of—manifest as genuineness. A genuine person is a person who is not hiding anything, who is not conning themselves. A genuine person doesn’t put up masks and shields.
Pema Chodron
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