Step by step, we make our lasting happiness

Among all living creatures studied thus far by modern scientists, only human beings can be said with absolute certainty to have been endowed with the ability to make deliberate choices about the direction of their lives, and to discern whether those choices will lead them through the valley of transitory happiness or into a realm of a lasting peace and well-being. Though we may be genetically wired for temporary happiness, we’ve also been gifted with the ability to recognize within ourselves a more profound and lasting sense of confidence, peace, and well-being. Among sentient beings, human beings appear to stand alone in their ability to recognize the necessity to forge a bond between reason, emotion, and their instinct to survive, and in doing so create a universe—not only for themselves and the human generations that follow, but also for all creatures who feel pain, fear and suffering—in which we are all able to coexist contentedly and peaceably.

Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche

Be happy

The third Sunday of Advent, is traditionally called Gaudete Sunday, or Be Happy Sunday.  For those preparing for Christmas,  this joy comes from knowing that the coming of Jesus is near. which puts the up’s and down’s of daily life be put into context.  This exhortation is shared by most wisdom traditions.  We are reminded  of a fact, sometimes forgotten by earnest religious practioners, that at the heart of all inner practice is joy, which leads us to understand the true nature of happiness.

Joy does not come from having everything perfect as we want it, by having a preconceived perfect day, but by accepting how life actually is and not fighting against it. It is possible even in the midst of difficult moments. It comes from seeing deeper into the heart of things. understanding that it is born from within and not from the external conditions of our lives.  It is based on choices we make. It has its roots in the security we find within ourselves and from love:

Joy is the experience of knowing that joy and freedom comes from knowing you are unconditionally loved and that nothing — sickness, failure, emotional distress, oppression, war, or even death — can take that love away.

Joy is not the same as happiness.  We are inclined to think that when we are sad we cannot be glad, but ….. sorrow and joy can exist together. That isn’t easy to understand, but when we think about some of our deepest life experiences, such as being present at the birth of a child or the death of a friend, great sorrow and great joy are often seen to be parts of the same experience. Often we discover the joy in the midst of the sorrow. I remember the most painful times of my life as times in which I became aware of a spiritual reality much larger than myself, a reality that allowed me to live the pain with hope. I dare even to say: ‘My grief was a place where I found joy.’ Still, nothing happens automatically in the spiritual life. Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.

Joy is what makes life worth living, but for many it seems hard to find. They complain that their lives are sorrowful and depressing. What then brings the joy we so much desire? Are some people just lucky, while others have run out of luck? Strange as it may sound, we can choose joy. Two people can be part of the same event, but one may choose to live it quite differently than the other. One may choose to trust that what happened, painful as it may be, holds a promise. The other may choose despair and be destroyed by it.

What makes us human is precisely this freedom of choice.

Henri Nouwen

Even welcoming our fears?

In our practice we work at turning toward every aspect of our experience and holding it in awareness. At times this is hard and we can only do it for a brief moment. Some of the things that happen in a day can be unwanted, and we cannot truly say that we “welcome” it.  But try this: See if you can be more aware of what your mind quickly labels as “unpleasant” or not what you “wanted” at this moment. Then see if you can name what is happening in your body and in your mind in that instant. Maybe creating this momentary space could help you see the thoughts, feelings and sensations as passing events in the field of awareness, and to not over-identify with them or be overwhelmed by them. Practicing in this way,  we try to be present with all the experiences of our day rather than avoiding, contracting or pushing them away.

Can you accept the moments of anger and fear as guests,
be willing to receive them with kindness without feeling obliged to serve them a five-course meal?

Christina Feldman

Fears

Fears are educated into us,

and can, if we wish, be educated out.

Karl Menninger

The opportunity to experience yourself differently is always available.

Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche

Why we need to be patient

Sometimes we have to be patient. We cannot see the whole picture or understand why things are happening. Moments may seem dark and we can feel like identifying with what is going on in our lives now and getting fixed there. We can be tempted to hate parts of ourselves or our life,  turn in on ourselves and close down. Instead, let’s try and keep our roots deep in the goodness underneath, and not in what passes through the mind.  We do not need to fill the space. Some kinds of unknowing are right. We try to trust even if we cannot see.  What is coming to pass will gradually reveal itself.

I prefer winter ……when you feel the bone structure of the landscape- the loneliness of it, the dead feeling of winter.

Something waits beneath it, the whole story doesn’t show.

Andrew Wyatt,  American Painter

Remember, when your heart is frozen

Pema Chodron also reflects here on snow and ice. She  reminds us to touch in with the springs of warmth which still exist inside us, no matter how cold a place we find ourselves in. When we are in an emotional or psychological midwinter, it is hard to believe that warmth and growth will return. We are tempted to disconnect or detach, to bury ourselves even deeper.  However, we are encouraged here to keep the heart open, by allowing our deepest self stay in connection with the deepest self of another person or thing. In this way we allow ourselves receive warmth from the presence or thought of another person when it is hard to generate warmth in oneself.

Our habits and patterns can feel just as frozen as ice. But when spring comes, the ice melts. The quality of water has never really disappeared, even in the deepest depths of winter. It just changed form. The ice melts, and the essential fluid, living quality of water is there. Our essential good heart and open mind is like that. It is here even if we’re experiencing it as so solid we could land an airplane on it.

When I’m emotionally in midwinter and nothing I do seems to melt my frozen heart and mind, it helps me to remember that no matter how hard the ice, the water hasn’t really gone anywhere. It’s always right here.

So I work on melting that hardness by generating more warmth, more open heart. A good way for any of us to do this is to think of a person toward whom we feel appreciation or love or gratitude. In other words, we connect with the warmth that we already have. If we can’t think of a person, we can think of a pet, or even a plant. Sometimes we have to search a bit. But as Trungpa Rinpoche used to say, “Everybody loves something. Even if it’s just tortillas.” The point is to touch in to the good heart that we already have and nurture it.

Pema Chodron, Shambala Sun, 1998